Happy 8th Birthday Kross

Today you would have been 8 years old and in 2nd grade.  You would have been finding your own personality amongst the Swindles.  I can’t tell you how much it still hurts not having you here with the family, but I understand that you had to go.  I know that you were meant to be […]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Hello my baby boy.  I was unable to post on Christmas due to server issues, but I am now able to make my post.  I know that it must have been beautiful where you are over the last several weeks.  Things have been hectic here as usual.  The holiday was lit with Christmas lights and […]

Happy 6th Birthday Baby.

Happy Birthday my dearest Kross.  We just returned from releasing your balloons and a family meal.  This day is always so filled with mixed emotions for me.  I want to remember you on this special day, but deep down inside sometimes I wish I could forget.  I know that is bad for me to say, […]

Merry Christmas 2014

Merry Christmas my love.  How beautiful the day has been.  My thoughts have traveled to you often today.  Your sweet round face, your tiny hands, the weight of your body in my arms.  Then of course the bad thoughts come rushing in…flooding my thoughts with pain, tears, an utter feeling of helplessness.  I want to […]

Happy Birthday number 5.

Well we did it Kross.  We made it through another birthday.  I felt your presence throughout the day.  I felt the presence of family and friends all around me as well.  Their silent prayers, hugs, and words or comfort surrounded me, your dad, and brothers.  I can only imagine that today was a beautiful celebration […]

And so it begins again…

So the inevitable march begins.  I can feel it in every ounce of my being…the impending storm that lies ahead.  Memories, tears, hurt, pain, emptiness, longing, questions, shattered dreams, brokenness.  I miss you.  It has been so long since I’ve written anything on the blog.  So much has happened, so much to say and yet […]

Growing Stronger

My dearest Kross, Today I prayed for a child that was to enter the world with special needs to enter safely and for God to lift up her parents.  I learned at the end of the day that little Gracie had joined you and so many others in Heaven.  I didn’t cry Kross.  I actually […]

2014 Happy New Year

Another new year is upon us Kross.  So much has changed, while so much has stayed the same.  I told myself last year that I was going to try my best to do better, better, focus on the journey and not the destination.  I have tried to do this often over the last year I […]

Merry Christmas my sweet love…

Merry Christmas baby.  This night  is bittersweet for me.  I look at your brothers, their faces, the anticipation, the hope the excitement and I feel a warmth in my heart…but since that day 4 and 1/2  years ago that warmth is somewhat dampened by a cold place that resides there permanently.  It is the place […]

Where we’re going and where we’ve been…

Random thoughts of you…missing you…thinking of what you would be like now…but….I have to say that the other day I was able to talk about you without crying or without wanting to cry.  I was able to discuss what we went through…what it meant…and how it has changed us as a family.  That’s big Kross. […]