Happy Angel Day

Today is the 2 year anniversary of the day that you slipped away from us my sweet boy.  I remember that day so intensely.  I awoke that morning and took a last picture of my obscenely big tummy.  I rubbed you and said a prayer.  I wished you God’s speed to come to us and for a safe delivery because the doctors were worried about me making it through okay.  We arrived in the hospital and I sat in the waiting room with 4 other mothers that were to deliver that day.  I remember looking at them and thinking I am the one of us that will be having a c-section…I thought of this because when we took our prenatal classes with Braeden they told us that 1 out of 4 of us would deliver with a c-section.  I sat there holding my pillow growing more and more nervous.  I wasn’t really sure why, but I had had a horrible feeling since the night before.  They took me back to the room and slowly prepped me…they didn’t seem to be in much of a hurry.  My family was there with me.  They went to put the monitor on you and they couldn’t find you as usual.  I told them it was okay because you liked to hide from that monitor.  They told me that they needed to do an ultrasound to find out where you were for the c-section.  I still wasn’t in a panic at this point.  Then the ultrasound came.  The man searched and searched for you and told me that he had old equipment so he needed to send for another machine and everything would be okay.  But I knew at this point that you were gone.  I  told everyone to leave the room…that I needed a minute…everyone immediately told me to be calm it was okay.  But I knew.  When the room cleared I picked up my pillow and began to scream into it and then I started to pray.  God please let him be okay…God please don’t let this be happening…somehow this has to be okay.  I don’t really know how much time passed until everyone came back in, but soon the next ultrasound machine arrived along with my doctor.  She rubbed my legs and told me that you just wanted to give us one last scare.  I couldn’t watch as they ran the ultrasound over my belly.  I prayed so hard…harder than I had ever prayed in my entire life.  Then the moment that I will never ever be able to forget…I glanced at the screen at the exact moment that she zoomed in on your heart and said, as she stroked my legs, Misti I am so sorry.  At that moment I literally broke…my soul was ripped in two…the scream that arose from my body was completely primal…the sound that I imagine that a severely wounded animal would make.  I couldn’t regain control at this point.  I wanted to run…I wanted to hate…I wanted to not be here anymore…I wanted to leave with you…but none of those things could happen.  I remember when my family finally pushed in the faces…the overwhelming feeling that I wanted my husband, sister, and mother to somehow save me and Kross from this…I really don’t know what I expected from them.  I remember Kristi and Momma surrounding me at my head and trying to silence my screaming and soothe me as your daddy screamed at my tummy.  I guess in some ways I am still there in that moment kicking and screaming hoping for someone to rescue me…but it just won’t happen.  I have told you the story of your birth…you were tiny and beautiful…perfect in every way…but without breath.  I am so sorry that in those last moments of warmth that I didn’t appreciate what I was holding in my arms…that all I could think of was what I didn’t have.  I miss you so much Kross…that has not lessened for me.  I still reach out for you in the night sometimes expecting you to be there.  I call out your name and I pray to hear you call me mommy.  Your daddy and your brothers miss you so badly.  Through this experience I have learned just how much we are all loved and cared for by friends and family…so as I celebrate for you I want to acknowledge those who have meant so much to our little Swindle family…Momaw…Aunt Kristi…Meemaw…Nanny Pat…Aunt Bea…Nana…Aunt Beth…Meemaw Linda…Elaina…Amanda….Jenny…Tina….Misty…Jocelyn…Sara…Tami…Cathy…Susan and all those that I forgot to mention.  I could not have made it through the last 2 years without you all.  I know that you are celebrating this anniversary of you returning to Heaven to be with God….and I celebrate that with you.  We love you…dream of you…and miss you so badly…

3 Responses to “Happy Angel Day”

  1. Misti, I love you so. You are an amazing person and I have a great feeling about the next year of healing for you and Michael. Always remember that the Lord has a plan – not necessarily the plan we thought or even want, but the plan that is great than we imagine. Although we don’t understand all that happens, He does know what He is doing. He loves you and He is taking such great care of Kross until you join him in heaven. Your boys are so lucky to have you as their mom and now here on earth, your job is to be the best mom to Gunner and Braden. I love you and I feel so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for loving me too!

  2. ((Hugs)) Thinking for you and Kross <3 Always here …always in our hearts!

  3. Sometimes I wonder what you would have been like, I wonder what your voice would sound like. I can only imagine you would have been just as great as your brothers,

    I Love You Kross

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