Happy Angel Day…

Today would have been your 3rd birthday… things are so divergent from having your birthday…to celebrating your memory.  We created a luminary heart for you.  All of us created our own luminaries to send up to you.  It was a stormy day outside much like my heart on the inside so we were not able to have the celebration that we had planned.  However, we will do that next weekend in memory of you my dear Kross.  I sit here and think back to that horrible day and losing you and I feel selfish.  I know that you were awarded the most coveted of gifts the day that God took you, but as your mommy I can’t say that my heart felt the warmth and glory of that gift.  I know that I should, because I know what the word says about birth and death and which one should be celebrated and which one should be mourned, but I just can’t let myself rejoice in not having you my sweet boy.  Your dad and I prayed for Braeden to come to us and he did….your dad and I prayed for Gunner and waited impatiently and he finally came…but you my angel we didn’t know that you were on your way but God knew that you were part of the plan…he knew that there was purpose in your being…he knew baby…I didn’t, but he did.  I’m still waiting to know what that plan was and is, but I trust in it.  My heart aches for you…but I know you are here all around us…I know that you don’t want us to be sad for you anymore, but baby I can’t lie I am.  I didn’t want you to let go…and I don’t know how to.  Time has continued to move forward and the world still turns…but somewhere on August 4th, 2009 a piece of me still exists waiting to have you in my arms breathing, moving, living…Losing you was/is so hard…I lost a living piece of myself when you went away and I don’t know what to put back in that place.  I am praying for peace…for solace….for understanding…for love…for support…for you…for your dad…for your brothers…for healing…for hope…for faith over fear…I miss you so much baby.  I love you…Happy angel day…I promise to continue to try to get stronger….Kross it is even hard for me to stop writing this post, because I don’t want this day to happen…begin…end…come…I want to go back and recover somehow…I want your but I know that just can’t happen….I won’t it all to have been a horrible dream…not a living nightmare…I share the story of your brother’s birth with them every year on their birthday so here goes…August 3rd, 2009 I couldn’t sleep in anticipation I couldn’t wait to meet you.  I had felt your little elbow in the same spot all through the night.  I was worried.  I felt like something horrible was going to happen, but to be honest I thought it would be that I wouldn’t get to meet you because I would be going home to God not the other way around.  But I got up that morning and took pictures of my big budha belly in anticipation of daddy sharing it with you one day.  Your dad drove us in as I rubbed you and talked to you about what would be happening later that morning when the doctor brought you out to me.  I listened to the Dixie Chicks sing God’s speed and I wished you God’s speed to my arms, because I didn’t know how long we would have in case things went bad with me.  I rubbed and rubbed in anticipation of you not getting to spend time with me.  We arrived at the hospital and went to sign in.  I remember setting in the waiting room and looking around at the other women and thinking who in here will have a baby before me.  I’m not sure what happened with the rest of the women that day, but I know I didn’t here any other screams that day.  They hooked me up and I and the family were talking.  The nurse tried to find your heart beat so that they would know where to cut for the c-section, but she couldn’t.  I told her that it was normal for that to happen, but they decided to get an ultrasound just the same.  I wasn’t worried yet, just anticipating.  I remember the man wheeling the machine in had black wavy hair and glasses.  He began the ultrasound and wasn’t talking very much.  I could tell he was having problems.  He wasn’t man enough to tell me what had happened so he told us the equipment was old and we needed a newer machine.  A new nurse came in and she brought my doctor with her.  In between this machine arriving I cleared the room, because I knew deep down that you were gone.  I needed a moment to process that.  I started to lose it a little, but your aunt Kristi tried to calm me…I told her I just had to have a moment…please give me a moment…then your daddy held me…I remember the door opening and the next machine rolling in with Dr. Jaybusch in tow.  She began to rub my feet and tell me that you wanted to give me one more good scare and the tech started the ultrasound.  I looked away because I knew, but sadly I looked back just at the moment when she focused on your heart and it was lifeless.  I was crushed…I was broken…something broke that will never be repaired that day…but I don’t want to tell you all of the things that followed, but I will tell you that when they handed you to me I was overwhelmed by how beautiful and small you were.  I will never forget that beautiful round little head.  That cute little chin like your daddy’s.  The memory of this day is very hard, so let me tell you about the wonderful memories of ultrasounds where I got to see you move, wave, flip, hiccup, suck your thumb, kick, and grow…let me tell you about the first time I put your name together and it sounded so perfect…let me tell you about picking out your clothes…let me tell you about sharing the news of you with your daddy…let me tell you about the dreams and hopes I had for you…let me tell you about the love I have for you…let me tell you how lucky I am to have carried an angel…let me tell you how blessed I was to have gotten to know you inside my womb…I love you baby…I’ll keep on moving toward something bigger and better than this singular event.  Be well…be with God…wait patiently…Mommy loves you…Daddy loves you…Braeden loves you…Gunner loves you…Mamaw loves you….Papa loves you…Meemaw loves you…Steve loves you…Aunt Kristi loves you…Aunt Beth loves you…Uncle Bo loves you…Nana loves you…Aunt Bea loves you…Uncle Jim loves you…Meemaw Linda loves you…Nanny Pat loves you…Kross so many people love you and we all said your name today…

KROSS

My little boy Kross….

2 Responses to “Happy Angel Day…”

  1. Happy Birthday sweet baby. Your loss is felt today just as if it happened yesterday. There are things about that day that I would love to block out but every single moment is burned into my heart. I will never forget holding and rocking you…singing softly to you…trying to fit in so much love in the very short time that I knew I would be able to have you in my arms, Very few people ever have the chance to hold an angel in their arms. I’m so glad that I held you and loved you the way only a grandma can. I love you baby

  2. Dear baby Kross,
    I just want you to know that your mom is the strongest person I know. She doesn’t think that but she is. She is an amazing woman and loves you so much. I pray that the clouds will be lifted and the sun will shine brightly for your family. Our God is so much bigger than this storm. Knowing you are safe with Him gives us all hope. Lord, I lift up misti and the family for you to give peace. I thank you for the amazing plan u have in store and for each day You give us. Thank You for sending Your Son so that one day we will be united again!! In Your Sons name Amen. I love you Misti

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