Merry Christmas my sweet love…

Merry Christmas baby.  This night  is bittersweet for me.  I look at your brothers, their faces, the anticipation, the hope the excitement and I feel a warmth in my heart…but since that day 4 and 1/2  years ago that warmth is somewhat dampened by a cold place that resides there permanently.  It is the place that was left void and twisted when my heart was broken after losing you.  I want to be happy, I want to love and laugh and dream and celebrate, but their is always a piece of me Kross that just can’t.  I feel selfish, I feel childish, I feel like a bad mother to both your brothers and you.  I should be thankful that you got to go straight to heaven without having to endure the pain of this world…I should be thankful that I have to happy healthy boys with me here now…I should not dwell on what is not and what cannot be changed…but alas that part deep down inside of my heart always does.  It sneaks up on me.  When I hear your daddy reading the story of the first Christmas and Jesus’s birth…and he looks up and says, “Mary counted all of his fingers and toes to make sure there were 10…all mothers do that”….then I am instantly drawn back to the fact that I couldn’t count your fingers and toes because daddy wouldn’t let me he thought it would be too upsetting.  It’s funny the things you don’t think about until you do and then it is like someone just dropped a 100 pound weight on your chest.  But I digress…I am drawn back to a pleasant thought for the end of my post to you on this 4th Christmas night without you…it would have been a great Christmas year to spend with you….the story I wrote about the my first Christmas without you.  “The Gift”…I wrote of a present you would receive from Jesus on this most special night of his birthday…and how that present would share all of the beautiful words and thoughts from the family that missed you and when you opened it you could hear all of their voices saying the things you would never hear in person, so hear goes….Mommy loves you Kross.  You had a beautiful soul.  I miss you baby.  I miss all that you were and all that you were going to be.  I am so proud of you.  You are exactly what I prayed for.  You bring me such joy.  You are a gift from God. You give the best love.  I need some mommy time.  Don’t ever change who you are.  Know that I will always love you.  Mommy will be home one day and you will be the first person I find.  Your brothers miss you.  They ache to know you. They love you.  Your father loves you and misses you so very much.  Kross the Swindle family will never be complete until we are all reunited.  Merry Christmas Love….

Leave a Reply