Happy Birthday number 5.

Well we did it Kross.  We made it through another birthday.  I felt your presence throughout the day.  I felt the presence of family and friends all around me as well.  Their silent prayers, hugs, and words or comfort surrounded me, your dad, and brothers.  I can only imagine that today was a beautiful celebration for you today.  The day that you entered into the kingdom of Heaven.  The day that you returned to the arms of God.  I wish that I could say that time had somehow healed the wound left behind…that it had somehow closed up…grown back together in some way…but I can’t say that.  It is still there…gaping…yearning…empty…questioning…heaving…screaming…writhing…beckoning…but I will say this.  The tears of course have slowed.  The realization that no matter how many of them fall that I can’t change the past….the realization that I can’t speed any faster towards our reunion…the knowledge that I have work to do that has all combined to make the replacement me…the person that stands in for the me I used to be.  I feel guilty sometimes for dwelling in this past…for feeling anchored…but then again I feel horrible for feeling that way about the moments I had with you.  Kross, what I can say is that I move.  I move forward.  I move on.  I am watching your brothers grow and become fine young men.  I think of what you would become and for a moment I mourn that, but then I try to believe that you left something with your brothers that they will use to move forward and grow with in their lives….the knowledge that life is fleeting and we have to cherish it…the idea that we all make an impact on the world no matter how small or limited our time here…and that loves goes on beyond our bodies and time…Happy birthday my love.  I miss you.  I still want you.  I dream of you.  Gunner said he loves you and he wishes you were alive so that he could be your big brother.  Braeden says have fun up there in Heaven with Steve and Basa.  He loves you.  Daddy says he loves you so much.  From our hearts to yours.  For always and forever Kross our hearts…..XXXXXXX0000000000  I also wanted to add that your daddy was interested in tracking our birthday surprises so I am going to list them starting now.

Year One: Paid for a woman’s merchandise that had a newborn at Walmart.

Year Two: Tipped our waitress a 100 dollar tip at Steak and Shake

Year Three: Tipped our waitress a 100 dollar tip at Carrabas

Year Four: Tipped our waiter a 100 dollar tip at Steak and Shake

Year 5: Tipped Ian at Red Lobster a 100 dollars. He asked us to repeat your name so that he could tell others.

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