Happy 8th Birthday Kross

Today you would have been 8 years old and in 2nd grade.  You would have been finding your own personality amongst the Swindles.  I can’t tell you how much it still hurts not having you here with the family, but I understand that you had to go.  I know that you were meant to be delivered straight into the arms of God.  For so many years I have imagined you as that infant in my arms….waiting for you to breath…waiting for your eyes to open…waiting for a sound, a whimper, a cry…but you wouldn’t be that little baby anymore.  I don’t know which is worse…imagining you that way…or allowing myself to think about who you would have been now and what you would be doing.  I know that we parents of sleeping babies know that time passes and the earth still turns after you have left us, but that really doesn’t compute somehow.  It doesn’t make sense to our heart.  Logically we know that time stops for no one, but I can tell you that in a single second…a half of a second…a blink of an eye…I was forever changed.  My life, my family’s life, my world would never be the same.  It would be as it was intended, but not the same.  I know that all things in God’s plan have an appointed reason.  I understand that bad things happen to good people sometimes, but for some reason I just didn’t think the horrible, awful, horrendous, hurtful, soul killer of a thing would happen to you, me, daddy, your brothers, our family.  I have grown since that day.  I have tamed my emotions on the outside.  I have learned to walk in glory and peace in front of the outside world.  I have learned to smile through the shame of failing at healing…true healing.  I move onward, forward, prayerful, hopeful, but I just don’t know if the pain of losing you will ever be metered.  I can’t imagine this day ever coming and we won’t feel that sickness that lives way down deep where no one can ever reach it to pluck it out.  I know that my thoughts will always turn to you when I hear a baby cry, catch a whiff of that wonderful infant smell, hold someone else’s baby for the first time.  I know that there is a piece of me that will never be alive and a part of my world…that piece abides with heaven and what is left of its shell sits upon my dresser with a picture.  I love you baby.  Daddy loves you.  Know that you are loved and will be loved until we see you again baby.  Happy Birthday.

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