Happy New Year 2018

It is a new day and a new year Kross.  Merry Christmas my love.  So much has happened this year.  We lost your Grandpa Tony and your Meemaw, but you already know that as I am sure they have been showering you with much love and attention since their arrival.  I will be honest and say that your Meemaw’s passing has been the most impactful one since your loss.  I have lost others since your loss, but your Meemaw was so very special to me.  I told her before she left to tell you hello and that I loved you and she looked back at me and said she didn’t know if she would see you before I would and smiled.  She fought until the very end. Both of the deaths this year hit us unexpectedly or should I say in an untimely way.  Our time on earth is borrowed.  We are only here for such a short time when one thinks about it compared to the eternity that we will spend with God.

I still think of you every single day, and I have accepted that this will always be this way.  At one point I prayed that I would have a day where your loss would be so far from my mind that I wouldn’t think of you for a little while…but now, I accept and appreciate the thoughts I have of your spirit.  I had an episode yesterday where I found myself back in the hospital that day…hearing the doctor say that she was so sorry…totally disconnected…guttural screams followed…pain…breathlessness…tears…fear…terror…nightmare…no…I don’t want to accept it…you can’t have him…don’t take him…why…are you sure…oh God…Micheal help…Momma save me…Kristi make it stop…Daddy it’s a lie…Nanny Pat pray, pray, pray…Meemaw hold me tell me they are wrong…who is that laying there…where is Kross…where am I…me..no…that’s not me…it can’t be…Micheal oh my God it hurts…God it hurts…God help me…God what did I do wrong…God what can I do…God save us…God save him…God help…God I’ve been a good girl…God, God, God…no….I’m not ready…you can’t take him…you can’t have him…no not yet…don’t make me do it…Daddy, “You have to. Maybe there is a chance.” No, I’m not ready…Daddy don’t make me…Momma please don’t make me…Krisit help don’t let them…Micheal don’t leave me, help…Meemaw, what do I do…crying, screaming, praying, don’t make me, don’t make me…pain, tears, screams…”Don’t move, we have to do this.” Owwww, no you are hurting me…don’t take my Kross, don’t take my boy….this isn’t real, he is real…where is everybody…why am I alone…where is my family…it hurts so bad…my heart it hurts so bad….Micheal…Micheal…where are you…where is he…Doctor, help…where is my husband…I want to stop…stop it…stop this…no, I said no…”Stop moving, it will be over soon”…please go and get my husband…the needle injects liquid pain reliever…but it still hurts…make it stop…Oh God, I can’t move…but I can feel a pain that isn’t coming from the knife…oh God, please stop this pain…please don’t tie me down…I want to rise with him…Micheal, is this real…it hurts…please help me…don’t make me do this…hold me…make it better…Oh God, make it better…STOPPPPPPPPPPPP.

It still hurts so bad, but baby You are so very loved and that love so outweighs the pain.  I still don’t dream about you.  I have waking nightmares in the form of flashbacks, but I hope one day I will see the sun shine and your face behind it.  Hug your grandmother extra tight for me.  Watch over your brothers.  I started this post thinking about a hopeful thought for the new year, but as always I promise to always speak the truth in this place.  I love you darling, now and forever.

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