My Story

On August the 4th, 2009 I checked into Baptist hospital expecting to give birth to a 37 week gestation little boy.  His original due date was August the 24th.  We had scheduled the c-section for early delivery due to a heart condition that I was experiencing called tachycardia.  We had named our little boy Kross Scottland.    The pregnancy had been hard on both he and I.  I was on a lot of medication that the doctors told me would not hurt Kross, but the medication did impact his movement.  Kross rarely kicked or moved and we had to have 2 ultrasounds every week to check up on him.  Despite all of the medications, tests, stress, and worries the doctors told me Kross was going to be fine.  On July 30th, we went in for our last scheduled ultrasound prior to the scheduled c-section for one last check.  I saw Kross move and practice breath.  He was so miraculous this little fighter I had growing in my tummy.  The last thing the doctor told me as I walked out of the exam room is that we would have a happy healthy baby on Tuesday.  I went home that day, wishing that we could of went ahead with the c-section because I just had not been feeling well at all.  That Saturday we celebrated my mom’s birthday with my mother’s side of the family Kross had the hiccups for about an hour in the evening.  It felt so great his little movements.  I was so thankful anytime I got to feel him move because it was so rare.  Sunday we got up and went to church and I didn’t feel well at all.  Monday I spent the day with my dad and was completely exhausted.  Monday night I hadn’t felt Kross move all day, but this wasn’t rare at all for him.  I lay in the bed that night and felt his shoulder in my rib, I tried to push down on it and make him move.  He wouldn’t, but I just told myself it would all be fine after tomorrow as soon as I got him in my arms.  Later that night about 11:oo p.m. I told my husband that I had a horrible feeling.  He asked what about, because the doctors were worried about my health rather than Kross’.  I told him that I didn’t know, but it was a really bad feeling.  I woke up at 5:30 the next morning and readied myself to leave for the hospital.  I was so excited about meeting Kross.  My husband and I arrived at 7:30 a.m. and they began the prep process on me.  They could not find Kross on the regular tummy monitor,which again was not strange, so they went ahead with the other things that they could do and ordered and ultrasound.  It took a while for the tech to get in with the ultrasound, but when he did he too could not find Kross.  He did not want to tell me so he blamed it on the equipment and his lack of experience and told me he was going to call someone else to get better equipment.  I knew then that Kross had passed.  I didn’t voice it, but I knew.  I asked everyone to leave the room and give me a moment.  My family flew into action assuring me that nothing was wrong.  Don’t jump to conclusions it’s fine, it is just the equipment like the man said.  They were in denial, but I wasn’t.  When I finally got everyone out of the room I silently screamed into my pillow.  Everyone tried to come back in when the new ultrasound machine came in but my doctor stopped them.  She looked at me and said he’s just trying to give us one more little episode before he comes out.  She walked over and began rubbing my legs while the ultrasound technician began the scan.  I looked away and held my husband’s hand.  I just couldn’t let myself look.  Something inside me was already screaming, and then I glanced to my right and saw the technician close in on the heart and there was no movement there.  At the same exact moment my doctor laid her body across my legs and told me that she was so sorry.  What ensued was a primal reaction of screaming, kicking, crying, and literally mentally breaking.  I never knew what a true broken heart felt like until this point.  I physically manifested a true broken soul at this moment.  They all had to hold me down.  I don’t know how long this went on but it seemed and eternity.  I never imagined that I wouldn’t be coming home with my new baby boy from this visit to the hospital.  This site is my gift to him and myself.  I need to share…

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