Candle Lights

  • Yesterday I dreamed a dream unfettered by the harsh reality that life wasn’t always going to be what I wanted it to be….Today I dreamed a dream that life was simple and unchanged from the events of my yesterday…Tomorrow I will dream a dream of a better tomorrow and that is the only promise life has to offer me…

  • God strengthen my soul that I might be all that I need to be to all that I need to be as long as I need to be…

  • Lord grant me amnesty tonight…amnesty from my pain…amnesty from my tears and the memories of that day…grant me amnesty so that my heart can let go and my mind can heal…and my tears will run dry…amnesty for us all from these hellish memories of a loss that happened too soon…amnesty for us all Lord who held my beautiful baby and can’t get his beautiful peaceful image out of their minds….amnesty Lord for my boys that have done nothing but tried to please and comfort their grieving mother while suffering through their own private turmoil. Amnesty Lord, grant me amnesty so that I can move towards a better today, while forgiving myself for yesterday, creating a more hopeful tomorrow….

  • God grant all of us the serenity to accept the things that we cannot change…I pray that all of us who have lost someone this year will find peace, love, and serenity throughout the holidays as we miss our loved one so very much we must look towards the future while remembering the past with somber resolve that our hearts will one day be mended as God continues to bless us all…

  • God I pray that you return the feeling of safety to my world…the safety of believing that everything will be alright, the safety of believing that children will never be taken from their mothers, the safety of believing that you will never give us more than our souls can bear, the safety of believing in the infallibility of your plan, the safety of believing….
  • Within me lies the heart of a mother, the strength of a lion, the soul of a butterfly, and a belief in the one true God. Within me lies the heart to love in spite of pain, the strength to fight when I don’t want to fight anymore, the soul to be carried up when all I want to do is lay down, and the belief t…hat God knows best for me in spite of my desire to have things be different than they are…. —Within— Please God to help me look within and ask for help when I need it. Please God care for me when I cannot care for myself. Please Lord lead me when I cannot lead myself. Please Lord love me when I cannot find the strength to love myself. Please Lord wipe away my tears when my arms are too tired to reach… up and do it for myself. Please Lord hold me when I cannot ask others to reach out for me. Please God hold me up when my legs to weak to hold me up through the pain. Please God…

  • Destiny—We are all destined to move forward in life towards something that is greater than ourselves. That destiny edges us ever forward never ceasing for the world and events around us. This is in some ways is a gift from God I suppose because we are destined regardless of circumstance to fulfill what God has set before us.

  • Dawn–It is darkest before the dawn…it is really dark here where I am…I hope it is really light where you are…maybe we can share the dawn together someday…

  • Reflection–upon the reflection of my time here on this earth I have made some very strong assertions–1st I am blessed with a warm, sensitive, beautiful husband, who always supports me and makes me feel special.—2nd I have been give 2 handsome, loving, ambitious, rambunctious boys as a gift to teach me that life shouldn’t’…t be so serious–3rd I have been give a wonderful family who has taught me that facing the world alone is just too hard and no one should have to do it–lastly I am bless to have been given a pure soul through by baby Kross, so that I might know what true pure unfettered love is all about.—I reflect…

  • An eternity is not long enough to love you…..

  • Dream–I dream of a time where my dreams will not consist of horrible nightmares of dreams gone a rye. I dream of a tomorrow not filled with tears and sorrow. I dream of a yesterday that will stop haunting me and just go away. I dream of a today where my heart returns rather than hides and tries to run astray. I dream of a life not tainted by a single day, oh Lord I dream…

  • Flow–There is no stronger force on earth than water. It flows unfettered by the world around it, and much like life it twists, turns, and sometimes rises to levels that flood everything in its path. But those flood waters like life will eventually recede, and in its wake it will leave an indelible mark that can never be… removed. But after the clean up it can be made whole again, and sometimes even more beautiful than before…My waters will recede, and life will begin to flow forward, and the earth around me will be beautiful again.
  • Faith…I have faith that tomorrow will come, but not that it is ours to claim. I have faith that yesterday will not be forgotten, but that it is not ours to relive. I have faith that today can be better, but that it is not ours to decide. I have faith…

  • Promise…tonight is the final night of the promise I made to Kross to light one of these candles through the nights of October. I told myself that it was a way to honor Kross’ memory, but what it became is a way to express my thoughts for my beautiful angel. I have decided that I will continue to light my candles. I… love and miss you so much Kross, know that your light will forever shine in the memories of everyone’s life that you touched. You were such a beautiful soul. Thank you sweetie for choosing me as your mommy, God knew I needed an extra special angel…I promise…

  • Contemplation…As the world grew silent my heart screamed…as the day grew to night and life became silent my mind quietly raged searching awaiting an answer… Contemplation, though food for thought can become the unquenchable drink that drives your mind to the questions…Why? Why not? Why me? Why not me? Those horrible unanswerable never ending questions…Kross my heart….

  • Change…we can…embrace it or deny it….laugh at it or cry with it…dread it or greet it…scream at it or scream for it…we can feel guilty about it or have no remorse for it…try to bargain with it or accept it…try to repress it or let it shine…Change is coming…Life is coming…change is not a question o…f if but when. When life changes what will you decide to do with it…I must embrace, laugh, cry, greet, scream, lament, blame, repress, accept, and let my change ( My Kross), Shine….Shine on Baby

  • Love…Daddy’s arms are empty his mind weighs heavy and his soul is torn, but his heart…his heart is filled with love…love for the innocent…love for the dream…love for his precious boy…love for the pure unfettered soul…love for the future…love for a piece of self that never was to be fulfilled…love for …an eternity…love for a father who reaches out to find that his arms will always return empty until his heart is no longer heavy and soul is no longer torn…and his love for future and eternity become a reality….(From Daddy to Kross, written by mommy)

  • I will turn my body and lift my head into the wind so that I might hear you calling on the gentle breeze…calling out remember…calling out move forward…calling out look ahead…calling out I love you…calling out…

  • I promise to love in spite of hate. I promise to remember in spite of absence. I promise to smile in spite of pain. I promise to dream in spite of feeling the need to wither. I promise to be strong in spite of my weakness. I promise to engage in spite of the need to withdraw. I promise….Love you boys…

  • May a wave of hope, love, understanding, light, and empathy spread across the world in spite of the bleak, unloving, close-minded, dark, self absorption that is so much easier to acknowledge that already exists in the world. Love you Kross. Sending a wave of love and light your way.

  • Sometimes love is all we have to give. Sometimes love is the only reason we want to live. Sometimes love that just has to be enough.

  • When another shares in your joy it is a beautiful thing…when one shares in your dreams it is an uplifting moment…when one shares in your pain it is a moment of release…when one shares in your grief it is a moment of unconditional surrender…when one shares it is the greatest of humanities gifts to one another…Kross my heart…

  • I am by myself for the first time today. The quiet is deafening. I miss the sounds that will never be. I needed the alone time to gather my thoughts and listen for God.  I pray that God will find me and lighten my load with a lighter heart and reassurance that he now cradles my baby closely as I cannot.
  • I am tired. I am humbled. I am sad. I am blessed to have my boys. I am angry with myself. I am sick. I am hurting. I am trying. I am……
  • I have asked God to please help take some of this pain away, but I guess it has just got to be what it is for now. Hearts are made to be broken, I have heard that somewhere. But, I have never heard that they are meant to be mended. Please tell me they are meant to be mended.
  • Contemplation…As the world grew silent my heart screamed…as the day grew to night and life became silent my mind quietly raged searching awaiting an answer… Contemplation, though food for thought can become the unquenchable drink that drives your mind to the questions…Why? Why not? Why me? Why not me?Those horrible unanswerable never ending questions…Kross my heart….

  • Sometimes love is all we have to give. Sometimes love is the only reason we want to live. Sometimes love that just has to be enough.

  • As the dawn broke and my husband slept I thought of the one Swindle man I had lost and hoped that God would spare me the pain of losing another so soon. Daddy came home to mommy and your brothers this afternoon thanks for watching over us last night.

  • When another shares in your joy it is a beautiful thing…when one shares in your dreams it is an uplifting moment…when one shares in your pain it is a moment of release…when one shares in your grief it is a moment of unconditional surrender…when one shares it is the greatest of humanities gifts to one another…Kross my heart…

  • Star light– I know my Kross is shining bright in the heavens above he took flight like a dove when his little soul flew towards God and a new star was born where my Kross took his little angel form…I miss you baby continue to shine bright and I will continue to look towards the heavens to see just how brightly you glow…

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