Where we’re going and where we’ve been…

Random thoughts of you…missing you…thinking of what you would be like now…but….I have to say that the other day I was able to talk about you without crying or without wanting to cry.  I was able to discuss what we went through…what it meant…and how it has changed us as a family.  That’s big Kross.  I have been so focused on where I need to be not really focused on the journey rather the destination…maybe that was a mistake.  Maybe embracing the journey as a means to the destination is what I needed to do.  I love you baby.  I made progress.  I’m proud of myself.

Happy B-Day from Daddy

I don’t post here much but that doesn’t mean that i don’t think of you, I do every day. When i watch Braeden or Gunner play , fight, laugh,cry or ect… I think of you. I see Braeden turning into a wonderful young man and Gunner with the look of wonderment in his eyes and i know i will never see that from you and it hurts a lot. I know you are in a better place and i am happy you are in God’s arms but what i would give just to hold you for a minute. I talk to you often and i hope you can hear me and know i’m thinking of you and love you. Happy Day from Daddy. with all my love……….

Happy Birthday Baby!

Happy Birthday Kross!  I guess I could say that I hope you have had a wonderfully special day in Heaven, but I know every day in Heaven is wonderfully specially.  I think of you still daily.  Some one once told me that would stop, I didn’t believe them then and I really don’t believe them now.  I watch your big brother Braeden playing football and I think to myself, “I will never see Kross do that”. I watch Gunner playing army man and I know that you and he would have been best friends as you tagged along being his cover fire.  It hurts deep down inside when I think those kinds of things.  It hurts because I think those things when I should be rejoicing with your brothers, and it hurts because it is true.  I am trying to be thankful this year.  Thankful for everything even your quick exit from this world baby.  I know that the sadness I feel is for my loss, and I should be overjoyed thinking of your gain…but that is hard…I’m afraid to hard for where I’m at.  This morning I decided that I was going to focus on your brothers today.  I took them out to breakfast and I told them both the stories of their birth…I usually do that on their birthdays, but this year I thought you would like it if I did it on your birthday.  Gunner doesn’t remember you as anything but the thing who makes mommy sad…and I’m sorry for that…Whenever he sees me crying he will come up to me and say mommy I miss Kross.  I think he believes that it comforts me to think I’m not alone in my grief.  I am thankful for your brother’s empathy.  Braeden remembers you well…sometimes to well.  He years for you and feels bad when he remembers he forgot to think of you in a while.  I tell him that is okay and the normal progression of things.  Braeden is my protector.  He guards my heart and my fragile memories where your concerned.  You have 2 great big brothers and I am a blessed mommy to have gotten to experience all three of you.  Things are so very tenuous where you are concerned.  We all wrote you letters today to burn in the fire to send to heaven.  I hope you got the messages.  I love you baby.  Happy birthday from Mommy, Daddy, Braeden, Gunner and Kiwi.  I miss you.

I can feel it coming….

I can feel it coming…that dreading in the pit of my stomach…that moment where my mind shuts down and that deep down primal part of me takes over. This day marks the anniversary of the last time I saw you alive on the ultrasound…well it was a Friday…not really the 2nd, but the same time frame. That day was so special…Mawmaw got to see you that day too. Daddy just missed seeing you by about 15 minutes…I wish he could of made it that day. Maybe we could of fought a little harder together that day. Even on the ultra sound you were a cute baby…they could see that beautiful hair. You were so tiny for a Swindle baby, just the right size for you though.  My dearest love it still amazes me that you are in my daily thoughts, that my heart still has that missing piece, that I still hurt…but during these first 4 days of August I cannot begin to tell you how devastatingly hard it is to breath. I relive every aching moment of those days. I love you and miss you so. Mommy

A moment is a lifetime….

My dearest Kross,

It has been way to long since I have blogged to you or about you.  Today is Mother’s Day and I am reminded that I needed some special time with you.  I thought of you first thing this morning.  What would it have been like to have you toddle into the room at this moment and say I love you?  To see your eyes…look at your smile.  Then my mind goes to the dark place and I feel like a bad mom to your brothers.  I rejoice with their words, hugs, prayers, and thoughts…but somewhere deep inside that hole left in my heart a pain a longing continues.  I know that all of my family that have passed on before me, must be basking in all of those things with you that I am missing at least that is what I pray for.  So here it is baby.  Happy Mothers Day to you.  Thanks for choosing me to spend 9 months with.  Thanks for growing in my tummy and sharing dreams and hopes with mommy.  Thanks for trying so hard to make it through those tough times.  Thanks for being my angel baby.  I love you Kross Scottland.  I only wish that I could of known you for a little longer.  For some people a moment is a lifetime…I wish my lifetime could of had a few more moments with you.  Be well baby.  I am trying.

Merry Christmas My Love

Merry Christmas son.  I have thought of you often today, and have felt you close by several times.  I know you are having the best time in heaven, but I do enjoy it when I feel you around us all.  As I was working to help Santa last night I began to think of the presents you would of been receiving this year had you been with us…noisy…very noisy things…a ride on toy of course…it is kind of a Swindle tradition at age 3…some really cute clothes…and probably some type of technology…another one of those Swindle traditions.  Then of course my mind travels where it shouldn’t and I begin to imagine having you here, holding you, playing with you, seeing your eyes light up…3 is always the best Christmas with my babies.  I know the gifts that you receive in Heaven far out weigh those that you would be receiving here with dad and I, but what I wouldn’t give son for a single hug from your little arms.  I love you so very much and miss you more than words could ever express.  Your dad, brothers, and I love you so much.  I know one day our family will be restored in Heaven and what a wonderful day that will be.  Merry Christmas baby.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving my dearest angel.  I miss your touch so very much.  I have spent the last several days with your cousin Ayden.  He is 4 months old now.  It felt so nice to hold him, kiss him, whisper to him, see him laugh, hear him coo.  It felt so good, but so bad all at the same time.  I wish that could of been you, but it just wasn’t meant to be you.  I am so aware of the fact now that my life, who I am, who I will be, are forever changed by your presence.  I want to move forward, but I’m not sure that forward is an appropriate term for what you do after losing a piece of yourself.  I just wish there was some way to stop missing you so much.  I prayed today that I would be able to hold your future nieces and nephews without wanting them to be you, but I don’t think I will ever hold a baby again without praying that it was you.  Without closing my eyes and pretending.  Thanksgiving is a time of being thankful.  I am so very thankful for your father, your brothers, your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and yes Kross I am thankful for you.  I’m not sure how to be grateful, thankful, and crushed by the same even, but I know that it must be possible…because I am.  I wish that things could be so different than they are, but then I know that it wouldn’t be what it was supposed to be.  Be well.  I love you baby.

It has been too long….

It has been too long since I last sat down and wrote anything.  It has been a tough few months with the family, but we learned that your brother is on the way to recovery and that it is something completely manageable.  We were so blessed by friends and family who were praying for him.  We went to your grandmother’s this past weekend and as we toured the mountains I found my mind wandering to you.  Somehow in all of the majesty of the colors, mountains, breeze, birds, laughter, and tears I felt closer to you than I have in a long time.  I whispered to you…I wished for you…I relived unrequited hopes and dreams for you.  My heart has been longing for you so much lately as I hold your cousin.  My arms had forgotten what it felt like to reach out and find a baby anxiously awaiting them.  I still ache for you.  I find myself asking what is it that I am aching for most?

A message from my sister…I love her so much and don’t know who I would be or if I would be without her…

Thinking of my sister today…
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, “What makes a Mother?”

And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there’s no need to stay.

I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!”
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
“Mommy, Please don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I am here”

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they’ll stay
They’ll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown

Happy Angel Day…

Today would have been your 3rd birthday… things are so divergent from having your birthday…to celebrating your memory.  We created a luminary heart for you.  All of us created our own luminaries to send up to you.  It was a stormy day outside much like my heart on the inside so we were not able to have the celebration that we had planned.  However, we will do that next weekend in memory of you my dear Kross.  I sit here and think back to that horrible day and losing you and I feel selfish.  I know that you were awarded the most coveted of gifts the day that God took you, but as your mommy I can’t say that my heart felt the warmth and glory of that gift.  I know that I should, because I know what the word says about birth and death and which one should be celebrated and which one should be mourned, but I just can’t let myself rejoice in not having you my sweet boy.  Your dad and I prayed for Braeden to come to us and he did….your dad and I prayed for Gunner and waited impatiently and he finally came…but you my angel we didn’t know that you were on your way but God knew that you were part of the plan…he knew that there was purpose in your being…he knew baby…I didn’t, but he did.  I’m still waiting to know what that plan was and is, but I trust in it.  My heart aches for you…but I know you are here all around us…I know that you don’t want us to be sad for you anymore, but baby I can’t lie I am.  I didn’t want you to let go…and I don’t know how to.  Time has continued to move forward and the world still turns…but somewhere on August 4th, 2009 a piece of me still exists waiting to have you in my arms breathing, moving, living…Losing you was/is so hard…I lost a living piece of myself when you went away and I don’t know what to put back in that place.  I am praying for peace…for solace….for understanding…for love…for support…for you…for your dad…for your brothers…for healing…for hope…for faith over fear…I miss you so much baby.  I love you…Happy angel day…I promise to continue to try to get stronger….Kross it is even hard for me to stop writing this post, because I don’t want this day to happen…begin…end…come…I want to go back and recover somehow…I want your but I know that just can’t happen….I won’t it all to have been a horrible dream…not a living nightmare…I share the story of your brother’s birth with them every year on their birthday so here goes…August 3rd, 2009 I couldn’t sleep in anticipation I couldn’t wait to meet you.  I had felt your little elbow in the same spot all through the night.  I was worried.  I felt like something horrible was going to happen, but to be honest I thought it would be that I wouldn’t get to meet you because I would be going home to God not the other way around.  But I got up that morning and took pictures of my big budha belly in anticipation of daddy sharing it with you one day.  Your dad drove us in as I rubbed you and talked to you about what would be happening later that morning when the doctor brought you out to me.  I listened to the Dixie Chicks sing God’s speed and I wished you God’s speed to my arms, because I didn’t know how long we would have in case things went bad with me.  I rubbed and rubbed in anticipation of you not getting to spend time with me.  We arrived at the hospital and went to sign in.  I remember setting in the waiting room and looking around at the other women and thinking who in here will have a baby before me.  I’m not sure what happened with the rest of the women that day, but I know I didn’t here any other screams that day.  They hooked me up and I and the family were talking.  The nurse tried to find your heart beat so that they would know where to cut for the c-section, but she couldn’t.  I told her that it was normal for that to happen, but they decided to get an ultrasound just the same.  I wasn’t worried yet, just anticipating.  I remember the man wheeling the machine in had black wavy hair and glasses.  He began the ultrasound and wasn’t talking very much.  I could tell he was having problems.  He wasn’t man enough to tell me what had happened so he told us the equipment was old and we needed a newer machine.  A new nurse came in and she brought my doctor with her.  In between this machine arriving I cleared the room, because I knew deep down that you were gone.  I needed a moment to process that.  I started to lose it a little, but your aunt Kristi tried to calm me…I told her I just had to have a moment…please give me a moment…then your daddy held me…I remember the door opening and the next machine rolling in with Dr. Jaybusch in tow.  She began to rub my feet and tell me that you wanted to give me one more good scare and the tech started the ultrasound.  I looked away because I knew, but sadly I looked back just at the moment when she focused on your heart and it was lifeless.  I was crushed…I was broken…something broke that will never be repaired that day…but I don’t want to tell you all of the things that followed, but I will tell you that when they handed you to me I was overwhelmed by how beautiful and small you were.  I will never forget that beautiful round little head.  That cute little chin like your daddy’s.  The memory of this day is very hard, so let me tell you about the wonderful memories of ultrasounds where I got to see you move, wave, flip, hiccup, suck your thumb, kick, and grow…let me tell you about the first time I put your name together and it sounded so perfect…let me tell you about picking out your clothes…let me tell you about sharing the news of you with your daddy…let me tell you about the dreams and hopes I had for you…let me tell you about the love I have for you…let me tell you how lucky I am to have carried an angel…let me tell you how blessed I was to have gotten to know you inside my womb…I love you baby…I’ll keep on moving toward something bigger and better than this singular event.  Be well…be with God…wait patiently…Mommy loves you…Daddy loves you…Braeden loves you…Gunner loves you…Mamaw loves you….Papa loves you…Meemaw loves you…Steve loves you…Aunt Kristi loves you…Aunt Beth loves you…Uncle Bo loves you…Nana loves you…Aunt Bea loves you…Uncle Jim loves you…Meemaw Linda loves you…Nanny Pat loves you…Kross so many people love you and we all said your name today…


My little boy Kross….